From Chicago to Columbia, MO:

First things first (“I’m the realest”), I think it’s important to point out that this road trip has been made possible by my 2003 Lincoln Aviator (nicknamed Avie) who lacks, among other things, air conditioning.

My reasoning behind not getting the A/C fixed was this: If Pioneer women could wear those bulky bonnets and what not while walking the length of the American West, I could drive it without air condition.*

That and who wants to pay $1000+ just to avoid back sweat?

So, let me paint a picture for you. When you’re driving across the country with no A/C, you’re probably driving windows down. On the highway, this means you have to blast the music to barely hear it. So you end up playing this game of “what is this song?” And you think maybe it’s that new song you like a lot but then you realize it’s actually Christian rock or someone talking about farming and you’ve wasted at least a dozen seconds listening to something you don’t even really care for! The waste!

Regardless of the roar of truck engines, country music stations, and the wind ripping through your window, the greatest sound on a solo 6+ hour drive is the sound of your own mind.

Here is a list of my thoughts:

1) Last night I watched 4 episodes of season 1 of Orphan Black. And then I watched The Parent Trap. Maybe it was the juxtaposition of these two stories in my mind, but I started thinking: “we need a sequel to the best movie in the world(The Parent Trap), we need it to have Lindsey Lohan, and we need it to be EDGY.” Here is the plot I expanded upon during my car ride. Please follow me down this wormhole:

The sequel comes some 20 years after the first film. The mother – Elizabeth James – has passed away. (The actress who played her – Natasha Richardson – has actually passed so this would explain why she’s not in the sequel but also add to the richness of the drama as you will see). Anyway, she dies when the girls are still relatively young and Haley (the twin from California) takes it really hard and ends up getting into substance abuse issues. This creates a rift within the family (Haley, Annie, Dad [Nick Parker]). Later, Haley gets pregnant, gives birth, and dies shortly thereafter, leaving Dad and Annie to pick up the pieces and raise Haley’s fraternal twins (one boy, one girl).

But Annie can’t take that. The stress of losing her mother and her other half cause her to bolt and she disappears out of their lives.

All of that is backstory because the film begins with the new twins, around 11-13 years old, taking a trip with Grandpa (Nick Parker) to New York City. There they see their “mother” (really their aunt but they don’t even know she exists because Grandpa has suppressed all memory of Annie in their household).

Anyway, Annie has become an avant garde artist type totally opposed to ever having a family or any sort of attachments/commitments. But the twins are convinced they’re her mother because – “duh” – she looks exactly like her.

So, obviously equal parts hilarity and heartwrenching drama ensue as the reveals and realizations are made and the family comes together as ONE.

Now tell me you wouldn’t watch this movie on ABC Family after you’ve flipped through a bunch of channels and found nothing better on television?

See? You can’t. Because this idea is awesome.


2) With towns called “Towanda” and “Funks Grove,” how can people say Illinois isn’t an awesome state? What I don’t understand is WHY ON EARTH the good townspeople of Funks Gove haven’t gotten together and changed the name to Funks Groove. More people would visit, I guarantee it.


3) Compliments of NPR: President Obama talked about how Congress was incompetent and how if they weren’t going to pass a bill on immigration reform this year, he would just have to use an executive order. That’s all well and good (blah blah politics blah), but he did this from his rose garden. THE PRESIDENTIAL ROSE GARDEN. President Obama, have you not seen The Hunger Games? Are you not aware of another President who voices his dislike of the way things are going from his rose garden? Are you not familiar with how this other President is, although fictional, a PSYCHOPATH who KILLS PEOPLE with his poisonous roses?

President Obama, do you have a Youth Ambassador or something like that? Because if so, that kid needs to be dropped like it’s hot Kathleen Sebelius-style. You should fire him or her and HIRE ME. I would not let this blaringly obvious faux pas slide.


Many other interesting thoughts gathered in my head during this first day of my journey, although these are the ones that have stuck.

Stay tuned for more road trip rambles.


*For more information on the discomfort endured by Pioneer women, I suggest you watch the film Meek’s Cutoff** starring Michelle Williams. For more info concerning the discomfort of driving the American West with no A/C, continue following this blog.

**I just thought of a parody spoof movie called Meek’s Cutoffs, which doesn’t exist – I don’t think – but would obviously be about jorts.